She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
