Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Randomize
