halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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