is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
