You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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