between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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