we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
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