she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize