trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
a search helicopter?!
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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