News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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