Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
