I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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