why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
