Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
