I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
