That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
