sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
why do cheetos always look like penises
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Randomize
