John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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