TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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