Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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