please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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