I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
