remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
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