one word: firstdatebathroomanal
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
