Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
My vagina just clenched in fear
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
