cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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