I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
