TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
