my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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