I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
