So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
