Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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