u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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