i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
