A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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