Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Randomize
