Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
