Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
