He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
