I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
