i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
