our cab driver is having phone sex.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
