i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
