Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
