A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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