Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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