I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
