I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
