dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
