direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
