You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
