mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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