Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
she told me i tasted like america
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Randomize
