I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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