Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
