Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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